“How To Make Up After A Fight – First Learn HOW To Fight”
Make Up After A Fight Scenario 1:
“Can’t you ever put the toilet seat down?”
“Well, you’re always leaving your underwear over the shower door!”
Make Up After A Fight Scenario 2:
“What have you been spending money on…our credit card balance is maxed out!”
“Well, if you didn’t keep buying home theater equipment, it wouldn’t matter!”
Okay … take a few deep breaths. I suspect you can hear, as I can, the voices yelling and feel the temperatures flaring.
What’s going on here?
What is the one basic element of good communications that’s missing?
Certainly, in the direction things are going — nothing is likely to get resolved.
Give up?
No one is listening.
Many years ago, when I first went to couples-counseling, the counselor pointed out this very ineffective behavior pattern as he saw it happen between my partner and I.
Communication specialists have a name for it … they call it “cross complaining.”
And yes, in the U.S. Legal System (at the very least) — there is also something called a cross complaint.
Similar — but different.
Similar, in that, with the legal situation, a sued party turns around and is suing the party who is using them.
Different in that they both get appointed times where judges (usually) will hear each complaint.
Part of the problem, here, of course, is that people’s tempers, if not exploding, are on the verge of exploding. Both parties are crying out in pain and they want to be assuaged.
What’s the resolution?
Well, each person needs to be heard. And they need to “feel heard.” This is a HUGE step in setting things right.
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You see, people often complain because of other problems. Sometimes the complaint is only a symptom of other problems. Sometimes the complaint is presented as a test, to see if it’s safer to explore deeper issues.
The first answer to cross-complaining is: Only handle one problem at a time.
Allow that person to feel fully heard.
You may want to practice the technique called “active listening” — where you feed back what you heard the person say.
Let’s face it — the world isn’t going to fall apart if the toilet seats aren’t always put down.
Things with finances can be sticky — but, if the relationship is the priority — these issues can usually be resolved.
If you are the person who wants to “cross” the complaint — write down your complaint and arrange a time to discuss that — but only after you’ve dealt with the first issue.
This is just one way to help you in getting your ex back. It’s not something you should be doing right after breaking up, generally. However, it’s a common pattern that could have you split up for good if you don’t know how to handle it.
You can find out more about other strategies for getting back with your ex, and building that relationship into a strong, healthy one in my Ex Back System. Why not give it a try?
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